I write when I’m depressed. When I’m sad. When I’m so fucking Lost I feel like Al Pacino in that abortion of a film he somehow won an Oscar for. Actually, I write whether I’m depressed or not, I just write much better when I’m in the Dark and it’s almost the only stuff I actually post here lately. It’s certainly the only stuff that’s any good.
Fear. Desperation. Anger. Hate. Self doubt. Self Loathing. Insecurity. Jealousy. These fuel my creativity and my pen/sword, mighty though it may not be. This is why I haven’t posted anything in a while. I’ve been doing… let’s not cocky kid, we’ll just call it Better.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a long path to walk. But I think that perhaps, the Abyss is behind me. It was a very dark few weeks for me, for many reasons. Some of which I elaborated on here and others that I did not. But the worst has, hopefully at least, passed. And I am better, stronger and happier for it. I know it may come around again. Actually, I know that it will come around again. Somehow, someway, I’ll be dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight again at some point. It is unavoidable. Like some old enemy that reappears to haunt your dreams from time to time. But I’m armed now. Bring it the fuck on.
I haven’t been posting, but I have been writing. All kinds of stuff, much of which I really like. But it’s disjointed and I can’t find the common thread. I’ve got one in the hopper that I’ve debated just hitting the PUBLISH key on for a while now, but it roams and rambles so much, even for me, that I keep hesitating. Hoping I’ll find the magic thread to tie it all together when in reality I should either just say “fuck it” and post it up and move on, or just say “fuck it” and delete the whole thing and start from scratch. Either way I get to say “fuck it” so no matter the outcome, it wouldn’t be a total loss. Each paragraph seems to be the start of an all new piece- slightly connected but also not at all. Okay, we’re in the pipe: five by five. Somebody wake up Hicks.
See? Lines like that last one. Or last two, to be exact. That shit lights me up. When I can pull a random line from a 26 year old movie that no one reading this will get, I get a kick out of it. (Holy shitballs, Batman! 26 years?!?) But I digress. As usual. Look, here’s the thing: I’m getting my shit together. Slowly. But fuckin’ surely. Or Shirley, if you’re an Airplane fan. And if you aren’t, well then what are you doing here? I went from a 27 on the Beck Depression Inventory a few weeks ago, to a 4 today. So I got that goin’ for me. Which is nice.
It’s kind of hard to believe, but I’m pretty happy. That may not sound like much, but it’s a new thing for me. And I’m diggin’ it. All it took was me changing my entire outlook on the world. Piece o’ cake, right? Well, if you baked that cake over the course of 20 or 25 years, then yeah, sure. It was a long time coming, but once it hit, the switch flipped. Like I said, a long path still to walk, but at least I’m on the right one now.
Much, much more to write but it is late and I am exhausted. Actually, it’s only 10:15pm, but I am exhausted. Up since 4:30am and working the hamster wheel the bulk of the day and I’m simply wiped. Planning to do a 100k mountain bike race in Pueblo, CO on Saturday- that should be interesting. Hopefully I can get some sleep tonight. Regardless, it’s gonna be a sufferfest. I can’t wait.
Might be time for a little Greg Brown action around here. Sorry if this wasn’t depressing enough for you.
Sadness come to my house with a stinking bouquet
Smiled with her thin gray lips and said,
“Honey, I’m home to stay.”
And I said, “Go away and leave me alone.
Go away and leave me.”
That’s one relationship that I’m happy to be getting out of. See ya. Wouldn’t want to be ya.
Explore posts in the same categories: Uncategorized